


it matters which one you said

by grootmorning



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: But actually not - Freeform, Consent Issues, F/M, First Time, Lara Jean has doubts, Peter respects her, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 17:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15868458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grootmorning/pseuds/grootmorning
Summary: Lara Jean thinks she's ready for sex, but changes her mind. Peter respects that.





	it matters which one you said

They unanimously decided that they wouldn't have sex for the first time on the ski trip.

There was just too much baggage, too many prying eyes, and too many assumptions about what couples do on the trip. 

What Peter and Lara Jean had decided was that they were going to have their first time in Lara Jean's room, while the rest of the family were away. It would make her more comfortable, being in a familiar environment. She'd gotten her father's permission for Peter to stay over, and had gotten the usual talk and envelope of condoms, and she sat through that conversation with her face burning. But she knew he meant well.

She turned down the lights in her room, opting for a dimmer lighting. Maybe less of her flaws would show that way. She knew she wasn't Instagram model ready, and she was still self conscious about parts of herself. 

Her room was packed neatly, or well, neater by her standards. She fidgeted, playing with her hands as she picked up this and that, her mind buzzing with what was going to happen just a little while later.

Lara Jean had told Peter she was ready, but now she wasn't sure. Would taking this step change their relationship for the good, or for the worse? Would she feel different after having sex for the first time?

Not for the first time, Lara Jean wished she could talk to Margot about this. But talking to her older sister about having sex seemed a little weird, considering Margot's own stance on it.

She sighed. Now really wasn't the best time to be having doubts, was it? She had already told Peter yes.

Shaken out of her thoughts by Peter's car pulling up outside, Lara Jean blinked, throwing on a robe over her nightgown before going downstairs. She hoped these doubts would go away.

It was a chilly night, and Lara Jean stood just inside the door, waiting for Peter to come in. Dressed in an oversized sweater and pants, Peter kicked off his trainers neatly by the door. He leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead, grinning at her.

Lara Jean returned the smile. She hoped it didn't look too nervous.

"You alright, Covey?" Peter took her face in his hands, studying it. His thumbs brushed against her jaw, stroking the skin gently. 

Lara Jean closed her eyes, swaying a little in his hold. He stepped closer, humming as her arms raised to wrap around his waist. His sweater felt soft in her hands. She'd asked about it before. It was an old sweater and it was oversized mostly because he had worn it until it was ridiculously stretched out. He refused to throw it away though. It had been worn so much that the material was all soft and faded. Lara Jean loved it.

She thought it showed that Peter didn't just throw things away for fun.

The thought calmed her nerves a little. Peter wasn't someone who would put the things he cared about down lightly. Raising her head, she kissed him properly, smiling as she felt him smile back into their kiss.

She took his hand, leading them up to her bedroom in silence. The air felt like it was thrumming with energy. They both felt it.

Peter knew the way to her bedroom really well, but the walk this time seemed more momentous. He swallowed, knowing full well that he was in love with this diminutive girl, who had the power to crush his heart because he'd given it to her. And the fact that they were about to take the next step in their relationship; Peter was nervous and thrilled all at the same time. This was Lara Jean, the girl he was in love with it. That single piece of information made today more important than any other day.

They sat on her bed facing each other. Lara Jean still hadn't spoken a word. Peter rubbed at her knee comfortingly, wondering what was on her mind. He couldn't presume to guess unless she said something.

With a deep breath, Lara Jean took her robe off, tossing it to the floor next to them. Peter sucked in a breath when he noticed that it was the same nightgown she'd worn to get into the hot tub with him at the ski lodge. Lara Jean had picked it on purpose. She thought it felt symbolic somehow. It didn't go unnoticed by Peter, and his eyes softened as he beamed at her, taking her in. She looked just as beautiful as she did then, and he let his eyes rake over her as she crossed her hands in front of her self-consciously. 

"Stop staring," she whispered softly, her eyes flitting around the room. 

He raised a hand to pull the scrunchie out of her hair, letting her hair fall around her face, framing that face that he loved. "Why not?"

"You're making me nervous," she wrinkled her nose, brushing her hair over her shoulder. Lara Jean shivered a little, and it wasn't because she was cold.

Peter took her hand again, scooting back to lean against the headboard. She moved compliantly, sitting in front of him, still cross-legged. "You don't have to be nervous, Lara Jean. If you changed your mind, we - "

Lara Jean took a deep breath, shaking her head again to dispel her thoughts. If he spoke anymore, she wasn't sure if she would have the courage to go through with it. Rising to her knees, she swung a leg over him, sitting in his lap quickly.

Even now, she could still surprise him. His hands flew to her waist, and a small part of his brain short circuited when he realised that her movement had made her nightgown ride up onto her thighs. Peter swallowed hard.

Resting her hands on his shoulders, Lara Jean leaned in to kiss him, sliding her lips across his in a way she knew drove him really crazy. This was Peter Kavinsky, the boy who'd taken on the whole school for her in the wake of the whole hot tub incident. What was there to fear?

He sighed into her mouth, deepening the kiss and nipping at her bottom lip gently. The little sounds she was making as he kissed her was making the ball of want in his gut grow, and Peter was overwhelmed by how much he wanted to make this night amazing for Lara Jean.

It wasn't the first time he'd had sex. Peter was kinda ashamed at how practically everyone in school knew that. On hindsight, he probably shouldn't have rushed into it then. It wasn't that big a surprise that he and Gen hadn't really considered that many issues before they'd decided to do it. It had just felt like something everybody else was doing, or expected him to do. But him and Lara Jean - this was different. This was going to be between them, and for them only.

Speaking of which - 

Lara Jean gasped as Peter moved on to kissing her neck, sucking on her skin gently to leave a slight mark.  _Mine_ , the possessive part of him growled appreciatively at it. His fingers tangled in her hair, tugging at it gently. 

She trembled in his arms, trying not to get lost on the wave of sensations that was spreading from her neck to the rest of her body. Clutching him tighter, Lara Jean rolled her neck unconsciously as Peter's mouth travelled down slowly, hot and wet against her collarbone.

His fingers played with the straps of her nightgown, moving to slide them off her shoulders. Feeling the movement, Lara Jean tensed up on instinct, and Peter stopped instantly.

"Hey. Hey. It's okay," he soothed her, dropping a softer kiss onto her shoulder. "It's okay. We'll take it slow."

As her shoulders relaxed, the shame only overtaking her for a bit before Peter leaned back, grasping the hem of his sweater and pulling it over his head. "Me first, yeah?" he said softly, watching her face for any reaction. Faced with the expanse of his broad chest, Lara Jean let her hands run over his skin, looking him over appreciatively as his hands covered hers. He pressed their hands over his heart.

 _Yours_ was the implied message.

Her heart filled. She traced patterns into his skin, spelt out her name and his, swirled her fingers in endless circles as he shivered. The look on his face as she looked up at him could only described as pure love and trust.

Lara Jean felt like she was going to cry. But she leaned forward and pressed a kiss over where his heart was instead.

A low sound emerged from Peter's throat, like he was holding something in. Reaching down to grip under her thighs, Peter flipped them, hovering over her as he swallowed hard. This was really happening. He felt as nervous as he did when he told Lara Jean that he was in love with her for the first time, maybe even more. Shakily, he braced his right arm against the pillow where she was resting her head, looking up at him wide eyed.

Looking down at her to gauge her response, Peter slid his other hand further up her thigh, pushing her gown higher up. This was new territory for them. Making out, they've done that many times, sure. But usually with more clothes on.

Peter felt the chill down his back from the night air, and ignored it. Swallowing again, Peter was very aware that he was probably the first, and hopefully, the only person who would ever do this with Lara Jean.

But suddenly, her hand was on his, stilling it. Peter stopped immediately, noticing the scared look that had come into Lara Jean's eyes.

"Peter, I - I don't think I can - " she dissolved into incoherence, hiccuping a little.

Peter took his hand off her immediately, returning to safe ground above waist. The only thought on his mind was to soothe. "Hey, Lara Jean," he made shushing noises as she turned her head away from him into the pillow. "It's okay. We'll stop if you don't want to."

Maybe he had moved too quickly, especially since this was her first time after all. He made to climb off her but Lara Jean hung onto his arms, breathing erratically and shaking her head. Falling onto the bed by her side, he tucked her into his arms, holding her as she shuddered. Peter murmured to her, consoling her with words of comfort and reassurances. 

He never wanted to do anything to make her uncomfortable. If she changed her mind, that was that. Peter had it drilled into him at a young age that consent was important. Especially given his size and strength that might come off as intimidating, his mother had made sure to give him the reverse shovel talk very very early. 

Kissing her hair over and over again, Peter waited for her to calm down, stroking at her back gently. He was more worried about the fact that he had scared her than anything else. That would break his heart.

After a little while, Lara Jean pulled back, biting at her lip worriedly, "I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Peter said insistently, his fingers pressing into her shoulders. The emphatic words made Lara Jean feel like she was going to cry again and she hid her face back into his chest. "Why are you sorry?"

"Because I said yes, and then I changed my mind." Her words came out muffled, and she squeezed her eyes shut. Why did she feel like she had let Peter down? She was acting like sex was this insurmountable difficult thing, when he had probably had sex countless times. 

Pushing her back so he could look her in the eyes as he spoke, Peter waited until she could raise her head to look at him, "There is  _nothing_ to be sorry about. If you aren't ready, or if you change your mind, then you aren't ready." He brushed at an errant tear, his heart aching that she was crying over this. "I know it's a big step. And if I had made you feel like you should have said yes when we were talking about it, I shouldn't - "

"No!" She hurried to cut him off, slightly shocked at the look of pain that had crossed his face. Peter was afraid that  _he_ had pressured  _her_. She really did love him. Even in this scenario, he was blaming himself for it. Now it was Lara Jean hurrying to make him feel better. "I thought I was, but - but then I wasn't," she ended lamely, closing her eyes again.

Peter sighed, rolling onto his back and pulling her across his chest, "That's completely and utterly fine, Lara Jean," he patted her head gently, as she listened to his heartbeat slow down to a normal rate. "Really."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he smiled down at her worried expression, his chest filling with calm as her forehead slowly uncreased, signalling that she was relaxing as well. 

They lay in silence for a bit, Peter playing with her hair as Lara Jean resumed tracing patterns into his skin. 

"Peter?"

The hum she got in return told her he was listening so she continued on, "Maybe we can talk about it again in a few weeks?"

"Whatever you want, Lara Jean."

That told her all she needed to know. That Peter was willing to wait as long as she needed for her to be ready. It didn't matter that he had had sex many times while she hadn't. That she had only read the bad prose version of it while he had had the real thing. 

Lara Jean felt like her entire being was going to overflow with love. Her skin practically vibrated with it, and it had to go somewhere.

"Peter?" She said again.

He cocked his head expectantly, eyebrows shooting up as she climbed back into his lap again, flicking her hair over her shoulders. "Uh?" He said very eloquently.

"I like making out though," Lara Jean rested her small hands on his chest, leaning forward.

The grin on his face outshone the rest of the lights in her room, and he drew her downwards, accepting her fervent kiss and wrapping his arms around her back.

"We can do that."

**Author's Note:**

> idk this was something i always imagined would happen. and peter is a gentleman. that's that.
> 
> tumblr: [here](http://ltfrankcastle.tumblr.com)  
> twitter: [here](http://twitter.com/ltfrankcastie)


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